Even perfect days can end in rain

 I am sure if anyone actually reads these posts they are sick of the depressing tone.  To be honest, I am not really depressed at all.  I really want to get to the fun and carefree posts but right now that isn't what is on my mind. Sarah (from Sarah's Covenant homes) posted that it's hard just to go to some upbeat post right after the death of a child. I am feeling the same way. To be honest I am still having a hard time with Jaron's death. To be honest  I still think about it alot. I have to ask myself is this normal for a child I never personally knew? But I think it's an indicator of how special he was. God laid him on my heart for a reason.  I saw a lady bring her disabled son to the pool the other day and I stared--not because he was disabled--but because I was thinking that could have been me if we had adopted Jaron. I could have been taking him to the pool with us---doing normal things with HIS OWN FAMILY. I saw people in a restuarant bring their handicapped daughter who was in a wheelchair. She couldn't move her arms or legs but you could see eyes that knew what was going on. It was a hibachi restuarant and she knew what was going on. Yes, her parents had to feed her but she was smiling and loved. I thought this could have been us with Jaron.  I see ads in the Parenting Magazine and I instantly go to the ad for rehab services for kids with brain trauma and Cerebral Palsy. I think how much good this would be for Jaron. I see clothes that would look good on Jaron and think about sending them to India but then I remember ....he is gone. Trust me I know he is having the time of his life but I miss him. I debated about whether I was gonna put this in here because I am sure there are some people that think I am nuts but so be it if they do--maybe I am hehe!!  . . .  I really was having a hard time and asked God to send me some sign that would let me know that Jaron was ok and I asked that it would be a sign that I would notice (sometimes I need the neon flashing light sign ..lol!) and we walked out of the pool one day and their was the whitest dove sitting right in front of me. All the people were like " I wonder where it came from" and the kids were walking right up to it and it wasn't scared, didn't fly away. I knew exactly where it came from.    God does some incredible things for us!!
   
It's really weird for me to see people fuss over the exact outfit they put on their child for a special day, even though I have been guilty many times for the same thing. It's weird to see people spend so much money on their kids' clothing, even though I was once guilty of the same thing. It's frustrating for me to see parents fix two to three different meals for dinner time because their kids are so picky.  It's kills me to see kids pitch fits because they didn't get a new toy while out with their mom at walmart.  It actually makes my skin crawl when my own kids tell me they are starving.   I guess it all makes me sick when I know there are kids living on the streets and eating other people's leftovers. Many could say you just have to put it behind you but that isn't true at all. There is a Bible verse (not sure where right now) that says something to the effect that once you are aware, then you are responsible.

All I can say is God is really working on me right now and I know the end result is gonna be awesome. 

I'll leave you with my favorite song for right now. . .

Beautiful Beautiful